Linda Russell

Consulting for quality of life

What to Expect If Adopting

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canstockphoto2308184Adoption offers a new life in a new family. New beginnings offer hope for a new future. Adoption indicates a wonderful beginning and time for healing of a child who needs a family. Most of the time adoption includes a wonderful answer for both the parents and the child.

“If it’s too good to be true, it probably is.”  Human beings strive to get needs met. Sometimes meeting needs takes longer than expected. When it takes too long (according to expectation) to get the need met one way, ingenuity or opportunity may be used to get the need met a different way. Just as Abraham and Sarah experienced with the birth of Ismael through Sarah’s servant (today her servant would known as a surrogate). We know how that turned out.  In the case of a child whose parents or family need rehabilitation, financial assistance, or stability, adoption is a common intervention. In the same way when an infertile person exhausts attempts to become fertile, adoption is a common intervention. Adoption, the panacea for the unmet needs of an “orphan” and infertile person. Not to minimize the amount of money, time, and emotional roller coaster that the adoption process typically entails, this sounds a little too good to be true.

How can meeting the needs of a child through the adoption process be anything but good? How can making parents of someone who has been told they will not be able to conceive or have anymore children be anything but good? When it isn’t good, that’s when. As an adoptive parent shared the other day, “we need far more education than we receive” before completing an adoption. Commonly, adoptive families second guess themselves on whether or not the adoption was a good decision, after the adoption is completed. Second guessing happens when a child doesn’t “feel” like their child; when a child doesn’t behave in a manageable way as a toddler, adolescent, tween or teen; when the realization arises that the child has attachment challenges. Or even when, in an adoption where the information has been shared between the biological family and adoptive family, the adoptive family no longer wants contact. Biological mothers may drop from sight after agreeing to stay in the child’s life. So many variables exist in adoption, and absolutely no guarantees (as with all of life).

How can adoption be a good option when the circumstances require a child to be raised by a nonbiological family? Five ways to know that adoption is a good option.Continue Reading

A Not So Perfect Solution for Your Baby

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Adoption offers a “perfect solution” for a baby whose mom isn’t ready to raise a child. Adoptive families offer better financial circumstances, “stability,” opportunity for college education, an “intact” family, and happiness that mom (who isn’t ready to parent) cannot offer. Statements such as these are often used in advertising on adoption sites. However, these phrases offer eloquence in the wording to entice moms to consider placing their child with a loving family, albeit strangers.

Looking back on a lifetime of pain and complete regret, advice from this side of the world comes easy. Looking back from the current vantage point the change in life circumstances, overcoming those temporary circumstances seems so certain and obvious. However, when mom begins the journey of making decisions about an unplanned pregnancy, the present and current circumstances give an essence of never ending. Stress, anxiety, uncertainty, lack of familiarity, and the involvement of others about something that feels so personal becomes a difficult matter.

A few points follow to help you begin to bring perspective on the frantic feelings you may have.

1) First of all, put off freaking out until after some decisions are made. This is critical because you feel like freaking out. But think about it, freaking out will not change the pregnancy and will only cause you to feel much worse. So put it off and go to your calendar. Set a date (make it at least a week or two out) to freak out. Now you have it on your calendar and you have given yourself permission to freak out at that time.

2) Understand, this is your baby you are carrying. Babies are their own individual human selves. They are not a “part” of you, they are now another human being. Your baby is shared by the person you were with when your baby was conceived. However that circumstance may not be a pleasant one. You may have difficulty considering the involvement of the other person. Right now, making the decision about the involvement of the other person isn’t critical. You have a baby to nurture and protect.

3) Do your research on your options. As pointed out earlier, going to an adoption site and talking to someone at an adoption agency can result in no further research. What does that mean? It means that an adoption attorney or an adoption representative will tell you that adoption is the very best solution for you and your baby. However, they will continue to state that it is your choice. If the father of your baby happens to be at risk for as a good parent, all the more reason for the agency to encourage you to place your baby. However, adoption agents are NOT about your best interests, nor about your baby’s best interests. You are a supplier of the product that commands a lot of money from adoptive couples who desperately want children. In fact, that agency and private adoption attorney can offer you quite a bit of money for living expenses and help you with your financial indebtedness. An exchange of money for your baby is selling your baby. You can get resources and helpful support. If money is what you need, you can get help.

4) Find someone you can trust to confide in. Friends may or may not be your first point of contact. There is an organization, Family Preservation Outreach, linda@familypreservationoutreach.com, who will talk with you and help you in this unplanned circumstance. Of course, the options out there are: parent your baby, place your baby, allow guardianship arrangement, or even find a doctor to do an abortion. Getting educated on these options is critical because you are making a life altering choice.

5) Getting counseling will help you with any guilt or shame you may feel. While these emotional responses come naturally they can impose another layer of anxiety and stress, unproductive energy. When more anxiety happens, it’s impossible to make a good decision.

Before making a decision, remember time is on your side. Research, talk to people who have truly been there (you don’t have to tell them your circumstances), read books, articles, and get some good counseling help. Letting someone tell you that you MUST make a decision now, make up your mind, or pressure you in any way, will not result in a decision that you can feel good about later.

You will get through this and you can get through this with a good life decision. Next article on threats or circumstances of having your child removed from your care.

FAMILY PRESERVATION OUTREACH

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Family Preservation Outreach was founded January 2015. There is a Facebook page, webpage (not yet published), board members, and a 501(c)3 status. The mission of this outreach is exactly what the title implies: to preserve families.

How does an organization help preserve families? First, moms and children get assistance to help keep them connected/together.
Second, services are provided to address all the issues mom (or dad) and child/ren require to stay together, i.e. addiction rehabilitation, mental health, occupational, educational, financial, legal, and housing. Next, offer an available group of professionals to assist and find resources for moms/families to stand on their own.

Housing with medical and mental health therapy will be provided to children and mom for a period of time that allows mom to demonstrate her ability to thrive and/or have the necessary support required to maintain a healthy family environment. Preserving family means educating those in need or crisis as to their options for keeping the family together. The mission will include preventing adoption, abortion, or non-kin foster care and adoption. Families will be included in all treatment as needed to produce the healthy outcome of preserving family.

What needs does Family Preservation Outreach need to make these services available? I’m glad you asked.

We need more professionals on the board of advisors. We need public relations help to outshine the marketing tactics of adoption agencies and abortion clinics. We need available multi-family housing, maintenance help, renovation and remodeling for making the housing adequate for the families. We need volunteer project managers for the housing, marketing, coordinating services, and screening families. We need mental health and medical professionals with hospital privileges for cases of detoxing. We need pro bono attorneys to provide services or resources to help moms keep their children legally and help moms work toward rehabilitation rather than incarceration.

Oklahoma boasts the statistics of being #10 in teen pregnancies and #8 in unwed pregnancies overall. Oklahoma is #3 in the country in female incarceration rates. http://content.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2044089,00.html

Women Offenders as Mothers
• 301 women were surveyed
257 (85.4%) had at least one child
Among them, these 257 women had 760 children
65.4% (497) of these children were under age 18
• Extrapolated
2,357 incarcerated women have at least one child
Among them, these 2,357 women have 7,071 children
4,624 of these children are under age 18 http://www.ok.gov/ocsw/Issues/Oklahoma_Women_Incarcerated/index.html

Source: Oklahoma Study of Incarcerated Mothers and Their Children, January 22, 2010; Susan F. Sharp,
Ph.D., Emily Pain, and the Oklahoma Commission on Children and Youth.

Another challenge for Oklahoma families exists within the laws and adoption codes. For too long, Oklahoma’s adoption codes strictly favor and protect the adoptive families and leave biological parents with no support. Once biological parent, typically mom, makes an adoption plan there is no turning back. While an adoption plan can be dropped, the pressure to stay with the plan heavily dominates when a discussion includes the idea that mom may be having second thoughts. Once relinquishment or parental rights are signed away, getting the relinquishment revoked is unheard of in Oklahoma. If paternity is established by the estranged biological dad upon learning of an adoption plan, it is far too late for him to intervene and keep the child from being adopted. Legislative changes must be made but in the mean time, these families need help. Family Preservation Outreach has been founded for the purpose of doing everything possible to keep families together and help them get past difficult circumstances before considering placing the baby with strangers/adoptive families.

Getting Involved to Help Parents in Forced Adoption Cases

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Here is a link with a great article and ways to help two of the cases fighting unethical adoptions involving their children. I am personally aquainted with the cases and can tell you the courts are wrong in these cases and the money from the funds goes directly to the attorney fund, not to the individuals. It’s the holiday season and children should be with their families. Can you help?

http://www.sisterwish.com/adoption-isnt-like-that-anymore/